Sunset GunShots: Dolls, Doubles, Dozing

I'm currently in Toronto, coming off a few of what Ms. Tate's Jennifer North is most likely popping in this picture (though less pure, and strong). Don't judge. Though I've flown all over the world this year, I can't make it within four feet of an airport without mother's little helper. I'm not afraid of flying, or the plane or even crashing (that just means I'm closer to the ground). It's claustrophobia. And panic attacks. And people staring at me while in the midst of that fight or flight (!) battle duking it out in my brain. I think, these strangers -- they notice -- which builds into a kind of Dostoyevskian The Double-like awkwardness -- the Yakov Petrovich Golyadkin variety. Yes, I really get that nervous on planes. The fear of my own self starts spreading to other areas of worry. As Dostoevsky wrote of tortured Golyadkin: "Anxiety and uneasiness in regard to anything near him that was annoying always worried him far more than the annoyance itself." Yes. He gets it. Though, no one ever does notice -- but I notice -- and I take care of it. And once that door closes, well, please don't make my "double" become Neely O'Hara dosed out on dexies and booze. I need to be calm, thank you.

I'm not trying to make light of these things. Neither the fears, rational or otherwise, nor the necessary pharmaceuticals. The latter are addictive and bad and destroy lives. Sure. But as they, or rather, I say morbid, pit-in-the-stomach terror inspired laughter spiked with a few extra benzodiazepines is the best... you know the rest. And once in a while (or often), and on an airplane especially, they transform you into the most delightful traveler a stewardess has ever had the joy to... ignore.  With that, I'm tired, I'm talking to much, and I'm taking a break -- for now.

But all of this sleeplessness, dolls and Dostoevsky has made me think in double. So I present, a new page of Sunset GunShots -- doubles. Please take a look here while I return to... sleep.

P.S. I know this has nothing to do with TIFF. But you've read enough coverage of that, haven't you?

Comments

[Stacie]

You always manage to become more awesome than you were the day before, I think.

[Kim]

Aw, Stacie. Right back atcha. You do an angst ridden heart good.

[dvlokken]

Interesting blog. I think it is pretty cool, epecially when you mentioned all of this sleeplessness, dolls and Dostoevsky has made me think in double. kudos to you. Thanks for the writing.