Gone in 60 for 177

Dear Jerry Bruckheimer,

Yesterday your show Cold Case was shooting directly across the street from my apartment building at a hotel that's a popular filming location. I've seen movies, music videos and other TV shows film at this site for that necessary skanky flavor in scenes involving murder, prostitution and drug dealing. I've watched all this stuff happen for real on my street so I don't really need a TV show to point this out, but I commend your authenticity. Having your actors enter rooms I watched a 25 dollar crack whore stumble out of the night before? Kudos.

Anyway, I've always been mindful of the creative process when crew (yours and others) are shooting there. Never once have I put my stereo speakers in the window and cranked Judas Priest when I heard "Roll sound!" Nor have I used my Motorola walkie to break into Channel One to say things like "Release the background!" or "That's a wrap!" And I've never, ever leaned out my window and hollered "Cut!" in the middle of a scene. And as much as I love movies (just read my blog) I have been tempted to do all of these things, especially when production is such a pain in the ass for those of us living in the neighborhood--for those of us who have to park on the street.

Yes, parking which leads to the purpose of this letter. On the day of your shoot I was busy writing (three stories--one on slasher movies and two DVD Reviews--Modern Romance and Cisco Pike--ever seen Cisco Pike? You really should) and I completely forgot about one of my cars. I have three cars--a 1974 Datsun 260 Z, a 1971 Ford Torino and a 1968 Ford Falcon. The Falcon, parked in its usual legal space was what? Towed!

Yep, you towed me!

Listen. Jerry. I know I should have looked out of my bedroom window a few times, but I was working on a tight deadline and my mind was elsewhere. And yes, I do have three cars. But still and more importantly, I'm not made of money. And that $177 I paid to get my car out of the yard hurt. It hurt. You, of all people, should understand. Days of Thunder? Mo-fuckin' Gone in Sixty Seconds? I know you know how this feels.

So here's the deal. I want to be reimbursed for the $177. Why? Because I deserve it. For one, I liked Con Air. I even like the part where Nicolas Cage tells that dude to "put down the bunny." For two, I've defended how insanely violent and long Bad Boys II was. I defended the film--I even wrote about it. And for three, goddmammit, I love C.S.I. And I think William Petersen is one of the hottest men on TV.

And if this isn't enough to open your heart and wallet, that towed car? You used it in an episode of C.S.I.--for free. Your crew shot in my alley and Gary Dourdan was inspecting some dead body with my Falcon clearly visible as funky background. He even leaned on my car. I didn't mind because he's one of my favorite characters and he seems like a nice person. He's also super handsome and dresses really cool.   

But, to continue. I want that $177. I don't care how much you may or may not be involved in Cold Case. You are executive producer and you are Jerry Bruckheimer so that's enough for me. And I don't want $177 with an invitation for a date from one of your sleazy AD's or producers who walks around my apartment building deluding themselves that they're Orson Freaking Welles. Or sorry, Michael Freaking Bay. I'd rather date a teamster in transpo, a guy who'd appreciate my badass Torino with a 351 Cleveland over some schmuck who drives his Orange County Chopper on Sundays for his "guilty" trip to Baskin Robbins. I know that sounds mean (and they probably wouldn't want to date me anyway, especially since I flipped a couple of them off) but these guys need to take a good look in the mirror once in a while. You should talk to some of them. Tell Gary Dourdan to give them a few tips. 

So how about it? For you, this is peanuts--literally. So come on, you've got a soft spot. Be a good guy. Be a nice producer. Make a girl's day. Remember the Titans? Remember my Falcon.

Sincerely,

Kim Morgan

Comments

[mike]

I love your writing! So that's what it's like living in CA? I'll stick with the Chicago suburbs where your car gets towed by the police when you are caught sledding on private property. At least it was only $115.
Signs signs, everywhere a sign.....
To the poster above - Reinsdorf had a lot to do with the Sox winning. Support from the executive level gave the day to dayers the confidence and freedom to make the decisions that got them there.

[Theron]

Ummm, good luck with your crusade, Kim. Methinks you'll need it.

[Theron]

P.S.
"Modern Romance" - it's about freakin' time it came out on DVD. A great movie from one of the funniest people alive!

[Marino Pascal]

Thanks for your kind comments.
We'll try to get you reimbursed.

Marino
(a Teamster)

[Chris Gehrt]

Defamer led me to this website and I came across 2 things I love,
Chicago White Sox and Bruckheimer.

[Peggy Archer]

sorry to hear about the towing (although I'm not Jerry B).

That sucks.

It is a pain in the ass when we come to anyone's neighborhood isn't it?

Oh, and congrats on the Defamer link!

[lysa]

got your link from defamer as well - i'm sure by now JB's office will have heard about this! when production companies plan to shoot on your street they should have posted a sheet of paper somewhere like your gate or door with at least the location manager's number - for future reference, they're putting you out - arrangements can be made if you need to pay to park your vehicles (usually).

[another defamer hall-of-famer]

Sorry pal I'll bet you the back-end on Pearl Harbor Jerry("What Picture Won The Best Picture Oscar For 1954?") Bruckheimer is fishing on the set for Pirates 3 a few thousand miles from here. He might have Wi-Fi tho....

[JP Falcon]

Bless you for owning a Ford Falcon my dream car. And, no I do not think it cheesy for someone named Falcon to own a Falcon. It's not like my name is Monty and I dream of owning a Monte Carlo.

[Wendy]

I had a very similar thing happen to me. My apartment came with no parking space and the street parking in my neighborhood was IMPOSSIBLE. Seriously, I spent hours every night looking for a free spot. So when I found one, I would pretty much keep the car there as long as I could. And one Sunday I parked my car in a place with no signs other than one for street cleaning on Wednesday. So I knew I was good for a few days and left it there. The next morning I awoke to the sounds of frantic knocking on my door. Some PA had taken pity on me and before calling the tow truck had actually read my address off an envelope that had been discarded in the back seat. The thing was, he acted like I should be so grateful to him for rescuing my car. But it was hard to be, considering that there were movie shoots on my street every month and that parking was hard enough without all the production going on. So i told him that his movie better win an oscar. I can't be bothered to spend an additional half hour looking for parking for some low budget TV movie of the week.

I totally, 100%, support your fight against the man.

[Drew]

You're probably lucky the unimaginative hack didn't blow it up. Though it does occur to me that that's an unimaginative joke for me to make. I am lost in a maze of irony! Unlike Jerry.

[Mel]

I'm sorry, my brain short-circuited when I read that Gary Dourdan was outside your building. Oh, the hottness.

[SPA2TACU5]

Your bio says:
"She currently lives in Los Angeles with her two cars--a 1974 Datsun 260 Z and a 1971 Ford Torino."

Since when do you own a Falcon? :)

[veronique vowell, location manager, cold case]

Hi Kim, I am the Location Manager on Cold Case. I asked all my assistants and we did not tow any cars on Friday, January 20th when we were filming in the San Fernando Alley between LA and Main and Winston and 4th. Please give me a call so we can see what might have happened to your car. V.- Office 818/954 3721

[i]

Thank you for the last comment and consideration--the car was towed during filming on Monday not Friday. And it was Cold Case.

[Rebecca asmus]

The Bruck's excuse will be: We hung a plastic sign that said in bold red letters no parking on the date of______ between______ and a PA clearly scrawled the date and time in sharpie.
And your defense should be: one) cheap plastic signs have no authority over parking issues and two) The gale force winds probably blew the damn thing away.

[Mr. Blonde]

Kim-

You are both hilarious AND gorgeous. Seriously. I only hope to meet someone with your cinematic knowledge and razor-sharp verbiage some day. Seriously, I was rolling on the floor laughing about the "Release the Background" comment, wondering when I'll ever be with a girl who didn't rate "Must Love Dogs," "Torque," and "Alone in the Dark" as her favorite movies and slam "Eternal Sunshine" because it was quote-unquote boring. Keep up the awesome writing. You're what LA needs!

[George]

OK, so I'm five years late responding to this post. I just saw you on TCM, commenting on film noir, so I checked out your web site. But it's the Ford Falcon that got me. My Dad had one of those back when they were new. I didn't know any of them had survived. Anyway, loved your comments on TCM and I'm enjoying browsing your site.