I don’t want to start this letter out with such harsh words but I’m afraid we may have to break up. Please, darling, don’t forget that I have a special place in my heart for you. I loved you.
Seriously. Remember how you rocked my world in Pitch Black? And, Oh God, when you revved up that muscle car in The Fast in the Furious (you know how much I love that car). Remember how I said I was not only impressed by your physical attributes, but your old school toughness? And when you extreme opped in the Max Fischer–esque production XXX, I was all, OK, I don’t care how dumb that was, Vin fucking rules! I know you were kinda mad at me for laughing at it but I never laughed at you. No way Vin. I’m the person who defended you. When people would roll their eyes and call you a one trick pony I would point them to your small but dramatic turn in Boiler Room. Admittedly, you lost me with the The Chronicles of Riddick, but I was willing to give your bald head, thick basso voice and Lee Marvin-like stoicism another chance. Remember how I used to compare you to Lee Marvin? I know you loved that.
Anyway don’t worry, I’m still giving you chances— but The Pacifier is making my job a lot harder.
I get it, you want to stretch. I’m all for it. I’m dying to see how you’re going to carry the new Sidney Lumet film, the one where you’re wearing that weird rug on your head. Even if you’ve been a little too obsessed with Al Pacino’s hair in Serpico and Dog Day Afternoon (yeah, I know its “Vin Day Afternoon” now, you keep telling me that). And you never believe me but I am eager for your directorial debut, Hannibal. So honestly, why Vin, why? The Pacifier?
Now I know playing a tough Navy Seal is a cake walk for you. And I even think you could adequately babysit children. But did you read this script? Did you check out the director (Adam Shankman)? Did you…I dunno, tell these people that under no circumstances would a duck be biting your ear? I guess not. So you skimmed the plot—that of Shane Wolfe, a tough Navy Seal who’s assigned to watch the five kids of a guy who invented some big time, important thing that all these bad people want to get their hands on. You thought; OK…Arnold in Kindergarten Cop. But when you picked up your second dirty diaper, didn’t you get a tad worried? And when the kids turn against you because they have to do things like get up early, did you think, hey there’s funnier stuff to be mined from this? More than juice boxes strapped to your belt or riding a little girl’s bike? And when the kids begin liking you after you teach them self sufficiency and how to sing and dance to The Sound of Music (you’re actually a pretty convincing drama teacher Vin), did you ever wonder what you were actually doing?
OK, I’m being a little harsh on you here. After all, I see the warmth. Though your line delivery is intoned in that flat Diesel manner I love so, you’ve got a sweetness about you that’s refreshingly unforced. I buy that you like these kids. And I buy that you care about what happens to them. But maybe that’s the problem. I buy it so well, that I can see exactly where the movie’s comedic/poignant moments are going. The comedy lies in the kids not getting your Navy Seal Nanny 9-1-1 discipline. It also works the whole, fish out of water story, but it's so half baked. You know that! I mean, how could these children ever dislike you? I never could understand anyone disliking you. If you stormed into my house when I was 16 and forced me to eat MRE's, I would be stoked! The film makes no sense.
So Vin, seriously (deep breath), I’m not giving up on you, I just think we need a break. And maybe during our time apart, you’ll get your priorities straightened out. If you do I’ll pretend this whole Pacifier indiscretion never happened. And I swear, I’ll never bring up The Rock again.
P.S. Tell Dame Judi Dench I said "Hey."
Dear The Rock,
As you may have heard, Vin and I are on shaky ground. I just wrote him and told him that it’s all about his new movie The Pacifier (did you see it Rock? Don’t.) but that’s only part of the truth.
It all began when I was watching you wrestle on TV. I turned to Vin and blurted out: “Oh my God! That guy should be a movie star!” And Vin was like, “Um, what the fuck?” Things got worse when he caught me on the phone bitterly complaining about your tiny role in The Mummy Returns (I was sooo excited to hear you were in a movie!). But the shit hit the fan when he totally busted me bouncing out of The Rundown with two friends. He was waiting in the parking lot and like, not only saw me, but heard me say, “The Rock is a fucking genius!” But it’s so true, I mean, you were so funny and poignant and badass and hot in that movie, I just couldn’t keep it to myself. Vin was so pissed he started yelling things like “Oh so it’s like that!” And, weirdly, “The moral of the story is, don't be a dick, Dick!”
He called me a dick!
But we got back together because he’s actually really nice and he always cracks me up. Especially when he does his whole “You're in the Xander Zone!” routine. Also, you’re married, which, OK, please don’t tell Vin this, but that just sucks! Also, my friend interviewed you and he told me you wrote down the name of this David Mamet book! I was like, “can he be more perfect?”
Well, yes, you can be. Because after I again, fell for you in Walking Tall (how the hell did you manage to tip your hat to Buford Pusser so elegantly? And my friend also told me you were totally into Joe Don Baker, which is so cool), I have currently been knocked out cold by your brilliance in Be Cool. You steal the whole movie! Steal it. That damn smile—it’s so funny and sad and pleasing all at once. And you’re actually brave in playing a gay character without being condescending or stupid. You get it. You’re obviously one of the smartest actors in the business. Forget what any asshole says about you. And, on top of that, you can make fun of yourself. Vin tried that in The Pacifier, but it just didn’t fly.
I mean, I love him, I just don’t know if I’m in love with him anymore. And he’s working with Sidney Lumet right now so it’s been kind of stressful around the apartment (the whole “It’s Vin Day Afternoon” thing’s getting really old). I don’t know if I can stand it any longer. I’ve been careful about hiding my true feelings for you but it’s been such a strain. He'll say “It’s been a long time since I smelled beautiful” and I just go, Jesus Vin! Stop with the Riddick! And then I hurt his feelings. And Vin is gonna get so pissed off when he finds out its not just The Pacifier but Be Cool that’s led me to this decision. It’s just like, I don’t think Vin could pull an entire film out from under John Travolta, Uma Thurman, Harvey Keitel and James Woods like you do. He sure as hell couldn’t work off the underrated comic genius Vince Vaughn with such spot on timing. And Vince always steals movies (Did you see him in Starsky and Hutch? Maybe we can watch it sometime.)
So, Rock, what should I do? You’re just gonna get better and better. And I don’t know what the future holds for Vin. So like, what’s the status of your relationship? If you’re all happy (which you probably are—again that whole The Rock is perfect thing, another thing Vin overheard me telling my sister) then I guess I’ll have to understand. But don’t you ever want to be bad?
P.S. If the answer to the last question is "no," can you give me Vince Vaughn’s number?